I figured I have not written a Blog in about a year so why not do it now lol hahahah!
I was recently told that if you love something so much you should enjoy every moment of it! Despite what others will tell you, who will make you feel inferior or that you will never be good enough. I feel like that has be the hardest part of the journey.
We start with the recap of 2014 USA Indoor season.
Every day is the same thing in terms of track, work, friends, and family. This year I decided to take a look back on everything that I was doing and just enjoy the “lot” that God has give me meaning have fun and have joy in every situation. I struggle a lot of the time with doing way to much at a one time. Mainly because I love people! There are times when you just have to say that you can not do everything faced in your path.
I decided to dedicate my season and career to an awesome God who gave me the ability to even get out there and walk. And to another person who rain or shine, good or bad told me I was still the best person out there. But the true test was yesterday.
I went into the battle of USA indoors ready, suited with armor, and mentally able to handle anything that could have possibly happened. Hydrated, stretched, got a massage, I mean I really prepared to just go out and get it DONE!
So the time comes… Spikes are on, I bow to my knees like every meet before I leave my room and ask God to let me come out of this competition humble… the same way I intend on going into it.
SET > GO!!! Gun goes off…
Late start out the blocks and I go to make a move over the second hurdle to get back into the competition….come on body… or not…. nothing…. :/. The time was below what I wanted but not bad.
We are off to HIGH JUMP one of my money events! Confident and ready to go I come in at a hight of about 5 feet 2 inches. Warm ups were great and things were looking good! THEN I fall short 3 bars below the hight that I warmed up with. I sat down and could not figure out why I felt so great but I clearly just missed the bar… I only cleared a hight of 5’4 falling below the high of 5’8 I made the only 2 weeks before.
Disappointed I continue to press forward. My coach is texting me to grind it out and I am sure that I will get it back in shot put! For everyone who knows me .. I CAN THROW! But it has not always been that way lol ask Mike Barnett.
I get in the ring, nose running from allergies and take my first attempt- 12.02. I sit there in confusion of how I just threw that? I have not thrown anything under 13 meters in the past 3 weeks of my season. I go up for my second attempt only 12.09. At this point I am ( excuse the French) Pi$$ed OFF. Why was this not going the way it should? Maybe my leg is not hitting first? OR maybe I am pulling my elbow in? I get into my last and final throw, completely ready to turn on anything I had left and threw 12.71. Better but not satisfied at all.
Next we have long jump! Another money event of mine but the least consistent. My warmups were looking great and I was ready to go! I get my mind together telling myself that I don’t have to do anything that I have not already done before. 1,2,3,4,5,6..,1,2,3,4,5,6, …4,3,2, BOOM I take off the board for a foul. I shake off sand, move my mark back a little and gear up for jump 2. I do the same thing controlled and aggressive more importantly ready to stay aggressive into my jump. I count down and take off but nothing happens. My leg drags in the sand and its like my whole body went to mush. I jump 16 feet 6 inches, WAY under my PR and average jump even if i have a deathly sickness. I walk out of the sand pit in shock, sit down and ask God what the heck is going on. I prop my legs up and sit until my last attempt.
At this point I am ready to just bring it… I mean there was no way that I was going out with a 16 foot jump and i could not possibly jump worse could I? I gear up and come down the run way using the approach I have done every single day for the past 5 months. I take off in a great position, keep my arms moving, extend out into the sand, roll over and out of the pit. That HAD to be better I thought… I walk to the side and listen for the official to read the mark. 4.99 my heart drops and I immediately start to tear up. Did I really just jump 16 feet again. There was NO WAY The jumped felt better and looked further. I walk back to my stuff, head held down in complete shame and disappointment.. more so embarrassment.
I knew it was over at that point I had ruined my score and attempt to PR over all. I called my coach in the middle of comp ( which its illegal to have electronics in the infield) but I didn’t even care. Im in the middle of the comp BALLING quietly trying to figure out what to say because I had no reason to not jump well. I was not hurt?
He tells me that sometimes you just have “those” meets. Not even able to control tears at that point I walk with all of my stuff to a corner in the convention center trying to hide the tears rolling down face. Im way to strong to have my feelings hurt… right? Trying to hold back I ask god what the heck he was doing right now because this is NOT the way this cookie was suppose to crumble.
My coach calls me back, choked up trying to hold it together he asks me if im ok. I answer him short trying to say the least amount of words as possible to stop from crying. He tells me ” Tiff, I know you are disappointed and you don’t want to hear this but this will all make since one day.” Just go out and finish it strong in the 800.
Any one who knows me can agree that after destroying any possible chance of me scoring well that LAST thing I wanted to do was run an 800 with a bunch of girls 12 seconds faster than my PR in the event.
I tell him ok, and continue crying. My roommate for USA indoors comes up and tries her best to comfort me and tells me that if I don’t run this I will regret it. She is a 60m Hurdler so the pain of an 800 is unknown lol.
I toe the line in arena and the gun goes off. I try not to even think about the time im coming through at, I just wanted to look at the girls ponytail in front of me and go. That lasted for about 500m of the race and I surly faded away into last. I did finish strong and did not even collapse a the end but it was still not a good run.
I finished the pent that day with every monday (puke session) workout in mind, waking up at 5:20am to get to weights, and 4 hr long practices, all lost in the tears of disappointment time and time again. I go to the restroom and just cry to myself and ask God what was I suppose to get from this?? All I wanted to do was be top 5 its not like I was going out to be an american record holder ( which actually happened to one of the girls lol ).
I packed my stuff up got a massage, and still continued crying as I did a cool down and stretched. With red eyes and a bag, I walk back head down to my hotel room holding a dead phone, and beyond saddened spirit.
The moral of this is …. well I am still not sure lol maybe God has something better in store for me? I have been told by multiple people that this year has to be good or I should give this up… To me its not about indoor or outdoor. Its about being able to compete at an elite level and doing well to give him glory because I love it. There are a lot of people that wish that they could make it to USA indoor championships to even get the chance to do bad lol. And here I am crying over getting last place with a finish 300 points under what I scored in the pent to get there ( sarcasm)…
I guess it comes to this, God was still there when I jumped 16 feet, the same way he was there when I jumped 19 and he will be there when i jump 20 feet! I feel like when I don’t do well he just leaves me out for wolves because he is busy paying attention to the people that everyone tells me by action or voice”matter more”.
Well guys this is FALSE! because everyone matters. I may not be a world class multi now, but that does not mean I won’t be the best USA one that I am capable of. Yes I will fall short at times, it will hurt, I will cry, and will face embarrassment, but that does not mean that your dreams stop and your talents are taken. The fight is being beaten and getting back up. You will never appreciate what it means to make it if you have never failed trying.
So as I pack up and leave New Mexico I know that nothing changes. I will still be the first one on the field and the last one. I will still praise God for his blessings. And most importantly I will thank God for the ability to use me and my heartaches to show his grace and love to smile and be joyful in others accomplishments as I wait patiently for mine.
Trust, Faith and Hope in what you have had and what you will have!
Thoughts for outdoor:
Realize that you ARE an elite USA Multi to COMPETE like one!
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